Why Stranger Support Hits Different

Alexandria 0:00

You put something out into the world, a business, a creative project, a podcast, a goal you've been working toward, and strangers find it, engage with it, tell you it changed something for them. And then you look at the people who've known you your whole life and nothing. A like here and there, if you're lucky. Uh oh yeah, I keep meaning to listen. And it stings in a way that the stranger's support doesn't fully fix. Because it's not really about the numbers or the likes and the shares, it's about feeling seen by the people you love. This episode is not going to tell you your feelings are wrong. This episode is going to invite you to ask more questions before drawing a conclusion based on somebody's silence. Welcome to Renovating the Soul. I'm your host, Alexandria Robinson, and this is a podcast about the real unglamorous work of becoming the work that actually requires something from you. Hard questions, honest answers, and the willingness to look at the foundation you were handed and decide what you want to build on it. That's what we do here. So wherever you're coming from today, I'm glad you're in it with me. Let's get into today's conversation. Welcome back to Renovating a Soul. I'm your host, Alexandria Robinson, and I'm so happy you've joined me today. Every week we take one idea, one question, or one belief and examine it a little more closely. I believe that asking better questions often leads to better lives, and that's my goal for today's episode. This episode is going to be more exploratory than it is definitive and all-knowing. Um, and so I hope that you all uh just hold on with me. I know this one may be a tough one to talk about, and even some of the things that I'm gonna share may be tough to hear, but I think it'll be worth

Redefining What Support Really Means

Alexandria 1:55

the while. So, as we always do, let's define a few key terms we'll be using throughout today's conversation. The first word I want to define is support because that's exactly what we're gonna be talking about. Support is to bear the weight of, to hold up, or to give assistance or engagement to. And we really want to zoom in on this idea. Like, listen to that bearing weight, right? Holding up, assistance that is active and present. Unfortunately, we've turned this true definition of support into a like, a share, a comment, a follow, into metrics. Real support is relational, it's knowing someone well enough to show it for them in a way that's personal. It's understanding who they are and what they're building and why it matters to them, and then showing up accordingly. It's advocating on one's behalf, it's being a shoulder to cry on, it's helping someone through addiction or mental health issues. It's more meaningful than how we've been using it on social media. A stranger sharing your work is engagement, a friend sitting with you during a hard season is support. We have confused uh engagement with support, and when we do that, we start expecting our family and friends to be our fans, and that's a role most of them were never auditioning for. Now you will hear me throughout the episode use the word support, and I do mean it in more the social media likes, shares kind of way, but we do need to be clear on what the actual definition of support is, what that really looks like, and it is more than a like, a share, but again, you're gonna hear me use it, and I'll and I'll try to be clear about when I'm using that support in that more loose way, versus the real way of someone being there in your life, you know, being active and being present. There are some other terms that we throw around a lot on social media, and or just you know, not in social media, we just throw these words around a lot. We throw around hater, we throw around lurker, we throw around monitoring spirit. And these in terms are very important because again, they're used a lot to describe people who do not again support us in the way that we're talking about in engagement, right? I always want to make sure that we're on this on the same page with these common terms because they're used so often that we can get lost from what the real definitions are, even how it

Lurkers And How The Meaning Shifted

Alexandria 4:14

started. So let's start with lurker. Lurker originally meant one that lies hidden in or as if in ambush. It's also described as someone waiting in secret. With the internet, that turned into something a lot less ominous. A lurker became somebody who reads messages on an internet discussion forum or social media platform but does not contribute. But lurker really goes back to like Reddit forums, uh, things like that, right? Discussion forums where somebody is watching, but they just don't contribute. And for most of its life, the this this idea, this internet idea of lurker, it wasn't sinister, it was just passive. You know, some people think that lurking is good and beneficial because at least you have eyes on it. Other people feel like lurking is negative and not harmful. You shouldn't just be here to lurk, you should participate. It's only more recently that lurking has been reframed as something creepier, closer to what people now call like creeping, like someone's out there watching your every move instead of just being a passive observer. It's kind of interesting because the the way that we use lurker like on TikTok and Instagram fits almost the original definition a little more because when you're lying in wait or you're waiting in secret or you're waiting to ambush someone, that has a negative connotation and that someone's spying on you, looking at you, or waiting to attack you. And that's the way that we also have been using it on, like again, TikTok, Instagram. Those are the ones where I see that that word a lot on those two platforms. I'm sure it's on others, but when it comes to that that passive idea of lurking, that's more common for Reddit or Facebook groups, again, where you join a group but you never participate, you know. And again, some people feel like, so what? Who cares? And other people feel like, no, you should be an active participant in what I'm doing. I don't have a stance on either one. I just like to give those kind of nuances about the words from my research.

Monitoring Spirit And Labeling People

Alexandria 6:05

So the next word that we're gonna talk about is monitoring spirit. It wasn't until maybe this year or last year, like late last year, that I even found out about this idea or this word. And I did not know that it had any ties to Christianity because that's not how I've seen it used, but some charismatic teaching holds that it's a demon assigned to you, that a monitoring spirit is a demon assigned to you to watch you, to track you, to sabotage you, sometimes said to work through people close to you who show an unusual interest in your life. Other people, when I again, when I was doing some research on this, in these Christian, you know, charismatic teaching circles, they feel like it's a demon that's there to keep you from like reaching your next level. Again, other people say it manifests itself in a person that's around you who is, you know, in your life, you know, really close to you, kind of kind of watching everything you do. But yeah, so that's that's where that one's at. But this is not universally accepted inside Christian circles. As I mentioned, I've I'm been a Christian all my life, and I've never heard this term used for demons or anything otherwise. Some think that is closer to folk superstition than scripture. I'm a little more in that camp because I've seen this word thrown around a lot, but I've seen non-Christians using monitoring spirit more than I've seen like Christians using it. Um, I've seen monitoring spirit used to describe someone like who's copying you or tries to get close to you and acts like they're your friend, but they're secretly plotting against you, um, you know, planting little seeds here and there for you to doubt yourself or become a distraction. And in fact, like my first encounter with the term was in a comment section on a post, and the the lady was describing like a friendship that fell through, or a person in her life that they were seeing in retrospection, they're seeing the signs of how this person, you know, could have been a distraction and sabotaging things in their life. And honestly, it wasn't even like little signs like we talked about in the last episode. Really, it's the evidence. Like, really, this person was doing things that they were later finding out about. It's only that she started to either learn or know about some of the things that were that was happening. And when I seen somebody comment, now she didn't say monitoring spirit, somebody in the comment was like, Oh, yeah, that's a monitoring spirit. And I was like, What is a monitoring spirit? So when I went to look it up, I I didn't do too much. I think I might have asked Chat GBT, and ChatGBT kind of gave me a little bit softer version than when I Googled it to research it this time. But it gave me like an idea, then I was like, oh, interesting. And when I seen that, it actually described someone in my life that at the time I had the same kind of place that I was at where this lady was. I was trying to piece together some things like how did I miss this? Um, this person, I was friends with this person for a long time. Then they just one day up and unfollowed me across all social media platforms, and I'm like, whoa, this is crazy. Like, what did I do? What happened? And then I started to find out some stuff that was done like way back when, like 10 years ago. And I started first I started wondering, well, is she a distract? Was she just a distraction in my life? Like what happened? But then when I learned about this term monitoring monitoring spirit, I was like, Oh my gosh, this sounds like her, right? Now, again, I don't know all the ties. I didn't know it was tied to Christianity. I just had kind of a basic understanding. But do I think that she was sent by Satan to disrupt my life or my next level? No, I don't. Like, was this person trying to be me doing nasty things behind my back that I only found out later and spewing hate that I couldn't see at the time? Like, yes. But did it hinder me from something major in my life? No, it didn't. I just think that this idea of monitoring spirit might have been made up to explain adversity in one's life. And I think that if we're not careful, it leads us to believe that everyone and everything is out to get us or to keep us from like our breakthrough. This term could be used to explain adversity in one's life. Is that when you're using monitoring spirit, not in the idea that it's a person, but in the idea that it's a demon assigned to you to literally stop you from getting to your next level? Because an article that I read said that this demon that's assigned to you is paying attention to your habits, it's paying attention to your thoughts. It plants see it plants thoughts into your mind, and then it takes it back to Satan, and they're working because they've already looked ahead into your next level and they know where you're going to be. So many problems with this that we can't unpack, but we have to kind of let this turn breathe a little bit because there's so much to it. But I I did chuggle at reading that article because I thought, man, that's the kind of mindset that used to keep me bound to thinking that every little thing in my life was a sign that, like, um, you know, all the enemy is working in my life, and he just doesn't want to see me great, and he just and it takes the responsibility away from me, and then it makes it be a God thing or a Satan thing or you know, somebody else's thing, instead of me saying, Oh, I made a poor decision by spending that money that I wasn't supposed to spend, right? Or I just didn't get the job because I wasn't qualified, or they chose someone else. Doesn't even have to be that there was anything wrong with me, right? And so that's what I think when you look at that again. There's so many different versions of how people use monitoring spirit, but when you're looking at it in this way where like there's a literal demon assigned to you to stop you from your next level, it also on the flip side makes every human or every person who subscribes to this think that they have such a special next level because what you then that becomes I'm so special, I'm so great that this demon and Satan they want to keep me from my next thing, and that's just not the case for everyone, right? Listen to the other episodes and you'll know what the answer I think is, but I don't think it's this, right? I I don't think that is keeping you from your breakthrough or your next level. I think that life does happen, and I think that life happens to all of us. And so I would say that the warning here is to be careful before you put that label on somebody who's just not engaging with you. Because if you if your family and friends are not supporting you, which I have seen this term used for that as well, that when somebody's not supporting me or not commenting or not sharing, they have a monitoring spirit. You're literally calling this person a demon. It has a very spiritual connotation. This is not a earthly realm thing when people are saying monitoring spirit, they are saying that you that this is a spiritual thing, that you are a demon because you didn't share my post or like my post or comment on my post. Be careful because that's it's it's extreme.

Hater Culture And The Attention Trap

Alexandria 12:47

All right, next word we're gonna define is hater. Y'all know this one all too well, like hater, player, hater, you know, uh how whichever one you want to use. We we say this often for people who do not support us, and this obviously derives from the word hate. This the word hate, um, it goes all the way back to the old English word Haitian, spelled H-A-T-I-A-N, not the country, and it means to treat someone as an enemy or to regard one with ill will. When I investigated this further, I found something very interesting. The root of the word hate and the root of the Greek word for care, grief, and concern for the dead are the same. So the root of the word hate and the root of the Greek word for care are the same. And I'll link the etymology and the description, but on there, um, on the website that I have found when I was doing this research, it says to hate someone and to care about someone both require the same thing. You cannot do either one without sustained attention. Indifference is the true opposite of both. Hate is just care with its sign flips. And I thought that was so interesting. Like we have to let that sit here for a second. Because if hater at its root means treating somebody as an enemy, actively pursuing them with ill intent, that's a high bar. Like that's a really high bar. A real hater isn't somebody who doesn't clap for you online, a real hater is somebody operating with actual adversarial intent. In fact, the common thread between all four words support, lurker, monitoring spirit, and hater is attention. Someone must be paying attention to you for any of them to apply. Now, I don't think that the original, um, like the initial online version of lurker being on the forums carried the same intent. That was more passive. It didn't really require any ill will at all. But now, like we were talking about that original version and that TikTok and Instagram version, that connects more with that ill intent, that ambush idea, right? And so the same way that someone can care about you or support you, by again how we're defining this, is how they can lurk your page. Be a hater, not like your post, but watch it or monitor your every move. It has to be done with sustained attention. And if words matter, then definitions matter because somebody not liking your post and somebody actively working against you are not automatically the same thing. But that's what we end up saying when we start calling family and friends a lurker or a monitoring spirit or a hater, and that's the we're gonna stay with that hater word most um most often through this episode because that's the most common one that I see. Um, when you're saying those things, you're you're also saying that they're paying such close attention to what you're doing that they can even be those, right? And and I and I again I caution us on that too because everybody in your life being a hater, having haters, you know, having monitoring spirits bigs your head up, makes your head big, and makes you think that, like, wow, they're watching me, they're paying attention to my every move, and it may not be

Why We Assume The Painful Story

Alexandria 16:03

that. Because here's what I started noticing about myself. I realized that I just wasn't asking enough questions. I was quick, just like many of us in our culture. We've been using player haters since I was little, since like the 90s, okay? I coined people as haters so quick. The first thing that came to my mind, that's a hater. But then um, I started wondering like, why is my first explanation always the most painful one? What is it doing for me when I'm immediately like, oh, they're a hater? Why do I immediately assume that someone is against me instead of asking what else could be true? This curiosity sparked back in December 2018, and on my personal Instagram page at Lovesandria, I have the receipts on there in the highlight called thoughts. And I posted a series of slides, but the first one said, I feel like we put so much emphasis on haters when in reality people may not be as worried about us as we think they are. That was back in 2018. I started teasing these thoughts out, and then I went on to say that how like we give people too much credit and too much power over us, how it's easier to blame others than have to face our own truths. Like, you know, things maybe your content's not good enough, or maybe I'm just I'm I'm living two different lives and that can come off, or whatever it is. Like, you know, instead of facing whatever the truth is about us, it's easier to blame other people and call them haters. And I say on there, and I still think that yes, we may have real haters, but do they deserve our attention? Probably not. Like, do I need to focus on them not supporting me? Probably not. But what's interesting is that I posted that in December 2018, and then one month later in January 2019, I did another series of slides, and it started out with the truth hurts, and the truth is people really do plot against you. At that time, I was putting stuff out. I was putting, I was putting content out, so to speak, before this whole like influencer content creation thing. But I've been doing YouTube for a little bit, never stay consistent with it. But I all I had a blog, I tried to do the blogging. There were just things that I was putting out there and then and I wasn't getting that support reciprocated back to me. And so I was working through, that's why that little highlight's called thoughts. I was literally working through my thoughts in the moment. And so you see me in December 2018 with the curiosity go, what if everyone's not a hater? And I and I remember that I genuinely was like, I want to stop calling everybody a hater because people probably aren't that focused about me like I think they are. And when I'm doing this, I'm making it about me so much that I'm missing the plot, like I'm missing the point. And then here we go in January 2019. I'm like, yeah, the truth is they be plotting against you, which is true. But I'm just like, you see the struggle of, you know, trying to understand this idea of like why people aren't supporting me. Why am I not getting the love from like family and friends that I'm expecting to get, right? And so I went on to say how like, you know, people don't support you, they talk about you, they smile on your face, and that, you know, uh, you know, they're they're pretending all these things. What was interesting to see when I was looking at this recently is that my why, like why people did this was the very thing that I'm attacking today. That people are so broken, insecure, and lost that they have nothing better to do than to hate on me or who you are or what you're doing with your life, and how they're not mad at you. They weren't mad at me. My haters aren't mad at me, but they're really upset with themselves. And it went on, right? But the point is when I started asking more questions, the answer or the why people were doing that wasn't as straightforward as everyone is so broken that they have no choice but to hate me. And when I was doing the research on this exact topic, why don't my family and friends support me like strangers do? My answer, that why that I had was the same as many other people. I was literally scrolling through TikTok and honestly, even on Instagram, I had three of these type of videos show up in one day when I wasn't even looking for I wasn't looking for these videos um throughout. There was just one day when I kind of went through to see what do people say specifically, and I Googled it and that's the those that those are the videos that came up. But on a regular day on Instagram before doing this episode, three types of videos where it was like my family and friends don't support me, or you or like there's a new trend. If you get on edits, there's a template where you can show something that you're doing, and then you show a clip that says uh strangers and it's a bunch of hearts like on your story, and then you show another clip and it says family and friends, and there's no hearts, but they're watching it. So three of those, like though that though those videos just were circulating. I see one or two like every time that I'm on social media, which is like every day. And when I was looking specifically, you know, this idea when I literally Googled this question, the videos that popped up, so many of them, they're explaining, they're like, Yeah, those people aren't supporting you, Failing Prince Party, because they're insecure and they're a hater, and they're just so broken that they're only responding from a place of hurt and pain. And I'm like, it that's almost a rude way of seeing people to think that everyone around you is so broken and so hurt that they can't reshare or like or comment on your stuff instead of acknowledging that there are so many complexities to what it means of what it means to be a human. Like that answer of saying that everyone is so broken and so miserable, it's almost too sure or too certain for me. And it would make me, and when people say that, and even when I said it, it makes me wonder why do you care about somebody that's so broken anyway? If they're so broken and so down and acting from all these insecurities, number one, why do you care? Number two, why do why do you why are you still around them? Why are you still friends with them or still trying to be around that family member? There's so many more questions, right? Like when you do that to people, I think you just boy. them down into this one lane, one road thing, and it's just not that sure. And I think at the time for me personally, like when I was telling y'all, when I was having these thoughts in 2018, 2019, and when I'm putting out this stuff and I'm doing my blog posts and all of this, I think at the time I was putting too much of my success or even the lack thereof, why things weren't taking off in the hands of my family and friends. I was thinking that if they'd only support me, I'd be further along. So it really wasn't their insecurities driving that mentality, but my own. It it was because I had an expectation of them that I never really said and then I was already nervous about the things that I'm putting out. I want it to be good. Is it good? Is it great? And then when that wasn't reciprocated by the people who knew me, it was like oh my gosh, I'm not supposed to do it. But that those were those were my own insecurities. See how that works? It wasn't theirs. It was mine. And I'm wondering that if the way that I was quietly shaping how I read other people's silence could be the same for you too. So let's get back to the actual question. Why don't my friends and family support me like strangers do? Because I don't think it has one answer or that it should or that it can. I think there are several right and so I want to walk through just a few of them that I personally thought

They Still See The Old You

Alexandria 23:16

of. Like when I asked this question no research I just sat down and was like what would be some reasons and there's a few points that I want to make so um the first one is that your family and friends still see the old version of you. Perception freezes at the point of first impression and then it updates slowly if at all. But if it does it's only through sustained witnessed change over time. Right? The people closest to you usually know one version of you. And then one day you start a business or a podcast or writing or speaking or posting content and you expect everyone to immediately immediately see you through that new lens. But they can't always fully see who you're becoming just because you've changed they have to witness it repeatedly and some maybe even most never will to your family you may still be and this is this is how my family seems but to your family you may still be the little girl running around church with no shoes on. That was me the the quiet cheerleader that was me in high school the one who always you know was fun and chill and present but not always deep like however you know you may be seen like the kid in band class the kid in drama class the the shy kid or the overly happy kid or whatever it is like I'm just saying that that version of you may be the only version that they see especially if there's not if they're not around or in your life to be able to witness you evolve grow and change and I had to learn that that's not hate that's just history. You built your reputation with them over years some you know some of these people even you know obviously we're not talking about you know friends you just met yesterday or just met a month ago but like you know your best friends right your closest family members or just any family members that I've known you right they you have built your relationship with them over years and they're still reacting to the version of you that they know right when the funny cousin in our group Marcus when he started a podcast I don't think any of us expected it to be serious because he's always funny with us he's always witty he's always quick with the jokes like you do not want to be caught in the Marcus crossfire you don't right because you're just laughing you you don't even know what to say back he's just that quick with it. But when he came out with the with the podcast we were like wait like what what what's going on like where did this come from? And I mean when you when you look at it like there are hints like we can have conversations and stuff but I think the shock came from just not being used to seeing him in that way because we're again all used to a version of him in our group chats. We're used to a version of him when we're you know hanging out in person he's the guy buying everybody the shots and you know being silly and making the jokes and and when we're doing our little cousin calls like he's the one again witty with the jokes like but still he'll drop the wisdom in between but we you know again I don't know what we were expecting but when we seen that he was just like dropping the nuggets dropping the nuggets right like it was like oh okay and it can feel like you know we weren't paying attention or you know we we didn't know but sometimes it's just that we're only able to pay the exactly the kind of attention that proximity allows right which is shaped entirely by everything that we've known about him and that our family knows about us. I want to put that back to us is that sometimes our relationships can only be influenced or people can only see the version of you that they've been able to see because of proximity. That your growth they always haven't been a part of that you know young adult you and adult you they may not know right unfortunately you can't update someone else's image of you just by changing. I wish that was the case.

You Are Not Their Expert

Alexandria 26:53

But they have to witness the change for themselves and some of them are still watching you become someone they haven't caught up to yet point number two is that and this is probably one of my favorite ones out of the bunch is that you're not their expert and they're not your audience. This one I when I say favorite I mean favorite because it was the most like gut punch where I was sitting there and I was like you know what like maybe they never asked for the content that I was producing anyway and honestly when I built my target audience because I was a marketing major so I always make sure I have a little marketing plan and build my target audience I never built it around them either. So I realized that strangers they came looking for this but my family and friends didn't we go to experts we don't know personally for knowledge and insight and then we go to the people that we love for something different for presence for history and for the relationship itself. When you put out work that positions you as someone with something to teach and I would say this is more so for those of us like you know if you're having if you're doing a podcast or you know you're writing a book or just doing you can even be just be doing content creation or speaking on panels like whatever that looks like for you. But when you position yourself as an expert or someone with something to give whatever that may look like it could be baking it could be art it could be pottery I just want to expand like it doesn't have to just be social media but again when you position yourself in that way people who know you most intimately they sometimes have the hardest time receiving it. And it's not because they don't believe in you but because that's just not the dynamic you build together like we were just saying you know with the proximity but this one's a little different because we're talking about again you having uh you kind of being in this in this expert lane but necessarily not their expert and them not being your audience right um and again this applies if you bake if you make art if you run a pottery studio or you practice stand-up I want y'all to hear me and know I am not saying this to excuse anybody from showing up for you in real ways. I'm not saying that it's right or that it should feel good. I'm just offering potential explanations before we conclude that someone's a hater. So maybe it isn't betrayal. Maybe it's just targeting right maybe they were never my audience to begin with not because they don't love me but because they were never looking for what I'm putting out there. And again when we ask ourselves are they my target audience probably not right and the first two points they may sound similar but they're touching on different things. The first point is about time and history they haven't witnessed the change yet. Point two is about role and function. Part two being the that they're not you're not their expert and they're not your audience that's about role and function that even if they fully witnessed and accepted who you become they still might not be the ones seeking what you're offering because they came to you for something else entirely. So these people could be a part of your growth journey they could be a part of your life they can see you go to school they can see all the things they could be your your road dog and they still may not want your cake or they still may not want chart like they still may not want what you're what you're offering. So that's the difference between those first two points and this last one is like point three but it's I it's point three but I don't I also don't want to boil

When Online You Does Not Match

Alexandria 30:09

it down. This one's a big one and probably the one that I want people to sit with the most because like we talked about in the slow death of authenticity it's easy to get online and be someone else entirely right and so we need to ask what expectations we've put on others about how they should show up for versions of us that they don't recognize or haven't met yet or the person like what expectations have I put on y'all when I'm not your expert and you're not my audience. Because now we're asking who are you online versus how do you show up in real life? We can be far more polished online more put together curated and definitely edited y'all only see what we show y'all you know with the podcast. We don't show you all the hiccups and bumps and all the things going on. So you can show up and be far more put together online. My podcast listeners y'all know one version of me my husband knows another my kids know another and none of these versions are fake right we're not we're not just you know again we're complex humans we're not just like one up and down way we have a lot of different ways that we can be and honoring the podcast version and being a version that my husband knows that's not fake. That's who I am. All of this is who I am right but we have to be honest about the lack of support from family and friends potentially coming because the online us and the real us don't match. Sometimes we're thoughtful online and impatient at home. Sometimes we're uplifting and encouraging online but gossiping and messy in real life sometimes we're present online commenting and doing all the things but unavailable to the people who know us and I know people like that. They're not always building and maintaining a relationship with people in real life the same people that they have these expectations of support online from that doesn't match up. How are you wanting me to support you online but when I want to go have coffee with you or I want to hang out with you you're not available and that's that's real. And there could be so many other reasons right but here's here's a a true story that I want to share with y'all. So there's an influencer who creates women's empowerment content right she's down for the girls she's always talking about loving yourself dating yourself you know just exactly what women's empowerment content is like I loved her content thought it was very important for women to know I would share comment like it I would have attended an event if it wasn't just for the single ladies but you know I can be can be waltzing up in there right perpetrating um but I I really enjoyed her content right I thought that she was really living out what she was saying and again I felt like the content was actually good for women to know to love yourself to you know be with yourself over needing a man to not let a man change you that even when you get in a relationship you know go on it and still take care of you self-care pour into yourself essentially is the idea well I ended up meeting her through a mutual friend that she was dating and y'all I was jaw dropped to find out how crazy and erratic her behavior was over a man. The very thing that she was empowering women not to do calling calling his phone 50 times calling his family members to try to find him sitting outside his house for like eight hours like like when I say crazy and erratic behavior that's what I mean. I'm not talking about just little you know thing here and there. I'm talking about stuff that even even on like the basic level you know you don't do you know and yet online she presented as a guru she hosted workshops she gave advice again she's for the girls and she's doing this even while in the relationship and I noticed too that she was in and out like she went through a couple of relationships but there's always a message or or a word from it about you know what she's learned that wasn't true. It's like oh you know you know if he's not gonna treat you how you want to be treated then you got to let him go and just it's better for you to be single than to be with a man which is all true but baby you're not living that and you're not showing up and actually being honest about your actions and what's driving these men away because it's not just that they don't want to care for you, love you. It's not just that you're caring for them and loving you it's that you you act crazy that your behavior is erratic right and I personally disengaged when I saw that online her and behind closed doors her didn't match up at all. And this is not to it's it's not to bash her it's really just to show y'all from like you can probably feel and see how like big my eyes get when I tell this story because it's still all these years later it still blows my mind and I've had I've had minor experiences like that where I went to hear this lady that I have followed for years I went to go hear her speak in person and she was just so standoffish and kind of rude but I took that as like maybe she was nervous because like I know I get nervous and quiet. So so I didn't get to see that up front I just had a perception of what it felt like that could have been wrong but this I saw up front this I'm like new like like yeah it it it it it wasn't good and and so again I'm not trying to bash her but I do wish that people took time to heal offline and to get to know themselves. I think sometimes people think if they keep up the persona of what they want to be that they could eventually become that person but real change doesn't work that way. You have to sit down you have to look at the root causes you got to listen to this podcast right and address what's really happening on the inside and that's just not what was going on here. You're showing up online as a one person you're only allowing people to get to know you in one way and you're not taking the time to make sure that again who you want to be who you proclaim to be is actually who you are that almost going through relationship after relationship it you know people started kind of wondering like started questioning a little bit but again the excuse was always that man that man instead of I have the problem y'all because that's harder to admit now I don't know her whole story. I don't know everything that she's been through she maybe needed her online community because she didn't have that anywhere else I I bring this up because it's really not about her it's an example to pull us outside of ourselves so we can see the issue more clearly because I think that she is just one of many, one of most who show up this way online and then are frustrated again when those who know you um don't support you because who you are online versus who you are in real life are not matching up. And we have to check in with ourselves and ask if the real us and the online us match before calling everyone who knows us and doesn't support us a hater. And I'm primarily bringing up you know again I think I've already said this I'll just say it one more time that in bringing up these points I'm just trying to give us additional explanations beyond someone being a hater or having a monitoring spirit or just being a lurker. That is not really that simple I'm not trying to give people like get you out of free passes so they can bypass having to support you. I'm really trying to give you the person other things to consider not just about your audience but even about yourself.

Questions To Ask Before Concluding

Alexandria 37:19

Because I don't want to sound like I'm dismissing effort. I'm not I believe in engaging and supporting people I buy books I share podcasts I blindly like stuff you know which can get you in trouble so I'm trying to pay more attention to what I'm liking but I you know I like it just because it's on my feed you know I comment I try to support people online and in real life right and I and I think that people will say that when they text me I text them back you know um when you know when you want to talk we talk right when you're when you're messaging me I'm I'm messaging you whether that's from the podcast page or my real page like I want to be to people who I really am that that's just me because honestly I I dislike people like I don't do this to say that oh I'm supporting you or to get something back. I genuinely dislike people I also grew up in the age of social media on Instagram when it was just pictures and I love taking pictures and I love seeing other people's pictures and just what they do in their life. So I like looking at content for that reason it just is so cool and people are hilarious and and fun right so I 100% believe in supporting people so I'm not trying to dismiss effort and I'm not trying to make an excuse for myself like trying to give give people you know myself a pass from not doing this. No that's not it at all. I'm a big supporter right a big fan of you know a lot of my friends and what they do and and their work right um and yes at the same time I know people who have never listened to a single episode of this podcast right I know people who I support and whose stuff I like and whose stuff I share that have not done the same thing to me at all. I know family members who comment on celebrities posts and have never once commented on mine right I know friends who couldn't tell you what this podcast is even about who still ask me still ask me questions or who are still saying like I need to catch up I need to catch up and that's okay right the problem was believing that they were all haters working against me that was not helping me it was making me suspicious it was making me bitter it was keeping me focused on who wasn't supporting instead of what instead of the people that were but it was also making me see again it was making me water down support in the way that we talked about in the definition section that instead of seeing support as you know my best friend Jalen she took me out for um I had lost my job and I was planning this big party and I was just so sad because it finally was the job that I wanted and I had lost this job and she was like come on we're gonna go out and so she took me out right that is real support in real life I will not fault her because she didn't share something or she didn't comment on something or she didn't repost something because I talk to her all the time. And so I'm just saying that if I took this mindset that we have where we're talking about family and friends who do not support us and who are haters and who got monetary spirits I could miss the whole point of how they really truly do support me because I'm watering down support again into metrics. And I didn't want to stay in that place. That's why I started asking myself different questions literally sitting there going like hmm what else could be true and I started asking questions and some of the questions that I was asking was like what if they don't realize how meaningful one comment could be to somebody who's putting themselves out there? What if they don't even know like how social media works or they're not a content creator so they don't get it or they don't have a business page so they're not constantly looking at the numbers and seeing how things are going up and going down or whatever. And what if social media just isn't where they show support like I was just saying what if you know your family members not double tapping but they're telling their coworkers about you was which actually happens to me too people who don't actually listen to my podcast or keep telling me I haven't listened to that episode yet they still tell other people about the podcast because you know what happens they listen to somebody's story they hear what they're going through and they're like oh my gosh I think you could use this I think you could listen to this right and like we go back to that idea of them not being in my audience the family member or the friends sharing it even though they haven't fully listened to it themselves they may not be in my audience or even want this kind of content but that support of them telling somebody their coworker about it means that they still trust something about me and what I'm doing because if you didn't you wouldn't be telling them right and so that is still something that counts that's still support it just doesn't come with the notification I also was asking myself like what if this is a big one let me stop right here and say this this is a big one is that what if I never actually asked them what if instead of assuming I just sent them what I made and I asked directly hey would you share this like did you get a chance to see it rather than quietly deciding they don't care. When I was telling y'all but when I was doing the the blog and stuff back in 2020 this is exactly what I did. I was not asking people I was assuming that they should be supporting me. I was assuming that they should read it I remember I got mad at my brother who was like yeah I read it and I was like what was it about? And he didn't couldn't say nothing that it was about you know so it was like but I had never really if I don't feel the passion for it and if I don't express how much it means to me it I shouldn't assume that everyone's gonna get it right I just I should not assume that they know without actually giving them a chance to hear it from me. And I think this one is interesting because it it brings up another point about our expectations that this we expect from family and friends uh we expect this support unprompted unasked but everywhere else we go we're asking for what we need. Somewhere we decided that asking family and friends to support us shouldn't even be necessary. That if they really loved us they just know and I don't know where we got that belief. I honestly don't know but I know that it's cost me some peace holding people to a standard that I never actually said out loud. And again I said I was gonna say this a couple times because I want to I just want to I just want y'all to hear me is that I'm not dismissing effort because it doesn't take much they they could right they should they they can they can like it they can share it they can comment I know that when I see these videos people aren't asking for much but again I think it's I think it's deeper than that but I had this conversation recently with someone else and I laid all of this out I was telling her like the different lanes the different roles the not my audience thing and she just wasn't having any of it she was like no it's simple they can they should period that's it like I don't get it and honestly yeah she's not wrong it doesn't take much to like a post or share a link or nowadays you have so many options on online you can what's it called re Post, you can share it to your story, you can put it in a note, like you could just do so many things that, like, yeah, I'm not knocking that that they that they can't or that they shouldn't. And I'm not here to tell you that it's hard for them or that wanting this is unreasonable. I'm just inviting us to stop drawing conclusions that we have no evidence for. None of these explanations, none of kind of the things that I'm telling you why may be happening or or other questions to think of, they're not guaranteed. But neither is the one that says they secretly hate you. And I'd rather live in the question, right? And in the curiosity and in the idea that humans are complex than to keep handing myself the most painful answer by default.

Indifference Is Not Opposition

Alexandria 44:44

And I also want to say that I totally believe, okay, that there are people around you who want to see you fail, who minimize your work, who talk you down behind your back. I'm not pretending or asking you to pretend that it doesn't exist. But a lot of what we call hate could be indifference, right? And like we said earlier, indifference is different than hate and care. It could be indifference, confusion, a perception gap, because indifference is not the same as opposition. Someone not showing up for your work is not the same as someone working or rooting against you. And the danger of calling everything hate or a hater, right? Calling everyone a hater, is that it turns neutral people into enemies. And it keeps you in a posture of defensiveness that cost you more than their silence did and ever will. I believed that if my family and friends supported me, I'd be further along. Like when I was telling you guys about that in the 2020 section, right, of my life, because that's really kind of the highlight of where this peaks up for me. Like I was telling y'all that 2018, 2019 period. I I really believe that if they supported me, which is true, if they, if if even now the people that know me, the people, uh, my family members, if they liked my content, it would be uh like it would be uh uh right. And if they shared all the time, it'd be uh and probably the same for them too, right? But I also discovered that when they didn't support me, I was taking it as proof that what I was doing wasn't worth doing. Because if anyone should support me, shouldn't it be the people who know me, right? And honestly, like who cares how I show up online, right? Who cares if it's not you, you know, you you you the the you you know me to be, or or you know, you're not my audience and I'm not your expert. Like, who cares? Just like the post, just share it, just put it, you know, just you know what I mean? Like I get it. I'm I'm with y'all. I I I get it. I I I have felt that pain. I know the pain, and I'm not trying to dole it, I'm not trying to take it away, right? But for me, because I was in that mindset when it when it didn't happen, when they didn't like, when they didn't share, I didn't just feel hurt, I felt confirmed. Like, okay, I guess this isn't it. I guess they're right to not be paying attention to me. I guess they're right. If they're not reading my blog, why would a stranger want to read my blog? And that's why I'm talking about this because I don't want y'all to fall into that trap like I did. Because more than once, this was a factor in my quitting things. I talked to y'all in an in another episode about, you know, when I would quit things and stuff like that. But uh, but and and obviously we know there can be more than one reason. So I gave y'all reasons in that episode, but in this one, I'm I'm saying that this also played a factor in my quitting things. And I would say around that time of 2018-2019, not a factor in quitting things just in my life, but in those seasons when I was really trying to build something, my photography company, man, you know, my photography company, I was so upset. I was like, nobody's booking me. Like, like, why aren't they booking me? But I did have family and friends support, right? And then of course you diminish the support that you do have by paying attention to who's not showing up. But my photography company, my blog, just whatever I was trying to build. And there were things that I wanted to do and how I wanted to scale, and there were people around me that didn't know me that well, but that believed in me and that were helping me, but I stopped doing the work because I was like, well, if my family and friends aren't supporting me, then maybe there's a reason why. Maybe I'm not an expert at like not, I shouldn't say an expert, but I maybe I'm not qualified, right? Maybe my voice doesn't matter. Maybe what I'm saying is really not helpful, and I struggle with that even with the podcast. And that's why I'm saying that like this is one of those, you know, uh uh topics where I'm still trying to coach myself out of this and I'm still working with myself and thinking about it because it hurts. It does make me wonder why aren't you doing it? And when you get around people and you want to ask, they usually kind of beat you to it, like, oh that podcast thing you're doing. It's it how's it going? Right? But what do I say back? Like, yeah, it's going great. Did you did you share it? On you know, it feels weird to like have that in everyday conversation, and so a lot of times we just sit back and we hold on to it, and again, we have these silent expectations that we put on our family and friends that, like, yeah, share it, you know, but the silence around it felt like a verdict.

The Wound Beneath Needing Validation

Alexandria 49:07

And I think this is a good place to also ask yourselves when it comes to people who are doing content, what do you want? Do you want someone who only shares and likes blindly like me and just comments because they feel obligated to, or do you want the people that really support you? And I had to start asking myself, like, what does it say about me that someone else's silence had that much power over whether I kept going? And I just wonder if, you know, some of you can relate because maybe for some of you it's not um, it's not what I'm talking about, but it's a need for validation that you haven't fully dealt with yet. Maybe for some of you, it's not trusting yourself. Maybe for others, it's a little bit of shame that you haven't admitted out loud, some quiet embarrassment about calling yourself a creator or an artist or somebody building something, you know, in public. And their silence just confirmed what you were already halfway believing about yourself or what you were already feeling on the inside. Again, I already said my insecurities ended up being why I seen everybody that way. That I'm that I'm saying is their insecurities, but really it's mine. And I don't know which one of these is yours. Maybe it's one of these, or maybe it's something else that I haven't said. But again, I'd rather give you guys those questions and just ask you to explore because it isn't always about our family and friends. It's about what their silence means and why we give it that much power in the first place. And I had hinted at this, but I didn't finish it. But that's all I was saying. I think that the pain is deeper. It's more than just a comment and a like and a share. And that's why when strangers do it, we're still longing for family and friends because there's just a different validation that we get from someone who who we think knows us or expects knows us or has known us. There's just a different validation that you get from them sharing and liking your stuff than from a stranger, right? But again, sometimes strangers, they're not just liking and commenting, they're listening, they're following you, they're interested in you because they haven't yet formed an idea of who you are. Whereas some of our family and friends have already formed that idea, that version of you, right? And I just want to take this moment to speak to whoever has been genuinely hurt by this. I feel the pain. I can feel it as I'm doing this episode. It's not just a little sting, it's a wound. Like to those of you who have poured yourself into something, and then you felt the silence from the people that you love, and it felt like rejection. And I want to name something specific. Strangers loving you does not cancel out the ache of not being loved that same way by the people who've known you the longest. I know it can't ever weigh the same. You can have thousands of people rooting for you and still feel the exact same hollow spot when your sister doesn't say a word. That's not ingratitude, that's not you being unable to receive where strangers are offering you. It's just true that the love of people who know your whole story reaches a place a stranger's love was never going to touch because it's just not the same kind of love. The pain is real, and I'm not asking you to overlook it. You know, if you've been listening to the podcast, I'm asking you to lean into it, to see what it's saying, to see where it's guiding you, right? To investigate, to interrogate. But I also want to offer you something. What if the silence wasn't about your worth? I'm not gonna answer for you. You don't have to let go of the hurt today or tomorrow or next week. But I would invite you to try loosening your grip on the story that says it means something it might not mean. I'm also gonna ask you to give the people in your life credit for what they are to you, not what you wish they would be. Your mom who prays for you every day is supporting you. It just doesn't look like a share. Your friend who showed up when you were devastated by the rejection, or you know, Jalen who showed up for me when I lost my job, she's is supporting you. It just doesn't look like a listen. Real support, the bearing of weight, the holding up, the showing up in personal ways might already be all around you in forms you've been too hurt to recognize. At some point, we ask, is this helping me build the life I want, or is it just reinforcing the story that everyone is against me?

The Blueprint For Reading Silence

Alexandria 53:27

And here's the blueprint segment for this episode. Imagine walking onto a construction site. All you see are stacks of lumber, pipes, electrical wire, drywall. It looks random, maybe even messy. You genuinely can't tell what it's going to become. But then somebody hands you the blueprint. And here's the strange part nothing about the materials change. The lumber doesn't move, the pipes don't move, the wiring doesn't move. The only thing that changes is how you interpret what you're looking at. What looked like clutter becomes a kitchen. What looked like random materials becomes somebody's future home or a new renovated space. Relationships work the same way. Facts matter. They didn't like your post, they didn't buy your jury, they didn't come to your event. Those are facts, and I'm not asking you to pretend otherwise. But the blueprint is the story you attach to those facts. And before you decide what somebody's silence means, I just want you to make sure you're reading from the right one. You don't need your family to be your fans to be loved by them. You don't need your friends to share your work to know they're in your corner. The strangers who find you and feel found by you, that's real. Honor it. They came looking for exactly what you're offering. And the people at your table who have loved you since before you knew what you were building, who loved you before you put yourself out on the internet or started content, let them love you the way they know how. That's its own kind of support. I'm not asking you to ignore your instincts. I'm not asking to pretend people never work against you. I'm asking you to slow down before you decide why someone did what they did. Because maybe you'll still land in the same place. Maybe you'll still conclude they aren't for you. And sometimes that's true. But maybe you'll discover the story you were telling yourself wasn't the only story available. And that one shift, just that one shift has brought me a lot more peace than assuming that everyone who didn't support me was against me or was a hater or had a monitoring spirit or was a lurker. So maybe the next time someone doesn't like your post, instead of asking why don't they support me, you ask instead what else could be true. I think that's a much better place to start. Until next time, let's keep doing the work to renovate the song.