Welcome And Season Setup

Alexandria 0:00

Welcome to Renovating the Soul. I'm your host, Alexandria Robinson, and this is a podcast about the real unglamorous work of becoming. The work that actually requires something from you. Hard questions, honest answers, and the willingness to look at the foundation you were handed and decide what you want to build on it. That's what we do here. So wherever you're coming from today, I'm glad you're in it with me. Let's get into today's conversation.

Why I’m Speaking Unscripted

Alexandria 0:35

This season has been about examining beliefs, patterns, stories, and assumptions. And I realized that I couldn't leave this season without giving myself permission to examine a space that I've known all my life out loud. And that's Christianity. I've spent my life inside Christianity. I've preached it, taught it, served it, defended it, and built community inside of it. And this episode is not an attempt to dismantle Christianity for you or anyone else, or to tell you what you should or should not believe. I'm just trying to be honest about the questions that I'm carrying now and where I'm at. This episode is going to be a little different than any other episodes that I've done, where I don't have a like a formal script. I don't have a lot of notes. I'm just going to try to give you my vulnerable ideas, memories that come to me in this moment. So whatever I say, I say, and whatever I miss, I'm just going to leave it where it's at. The reason why I'm doing that is that I found when I tried to sit down and curate this episode and think about my talking points, I was really struggling. And I just wanted to be able to share from the heart because often I'm having this conversation with myself or I'm having this conversation with my husband. I know it very well. I honestly, and the yeah, the other thing is I don't need a lot of notes or a lot of talking points. I know this very well and I know where my heart has been for a while. And that's what I want to share. I talked about Christianity on this podcast, but never in a way where I'm like, here's this devotional or here's this thing. It's it's more so in a way where like in episode two, I share my story, my experiences growing up, and just that that's been the framework for my life. In the spiritual abuse episode, I give more about how I didn't know what spiritual abuse was, how I realized that later on. And then in this season, what I've intentionally tried to do very subtly, maybe it's obvious, I don't know. But in each episode or in certain episodes, there are examples specifically for Christians or things that I've seen in church. And so this episode is just a stopping point or like a moment, right? To have this broader conversation and really to just give you a little insight into my mind. But I would say that it's also a challenge. As someone who has done and been all of these things that I'm gonna share or, you know, try to remember to share. Um I it's a challenge. It's a challenge for me. It's a challenge for other Christians. It is not a cutesy, pretty bold episode. I'm not gonna be like a lot of other Christian people who are gonna tell you that you're so amazing and, you know, and wow, look at you. No, this is actually more like an examination. This observation starts, and we're just gonna jump right in to the to the heat of things.

When Christians Look No Different

Alexandria 3:28

It starts with this idea that I've had about Christians themselves. So for a long time, I could separate God from bad Christians, from bad churches, bad leaders, from hypocrisy and spiritual abuse. But this year especially, I've started really thinking if every problem could really be explained as people simply failing to practice Christianity correctly. What if I also need to examine the teachings, interpretations, traditions, and systems themselves? Because one of my thoughts, one of my questions about it is slash was, why are Christians almost worse than other people? And if not the worst, just as bad. And what I'm what I mean is, why can you line up a Christian and a non-Christian and see no difference? If you didn't grow up Christian, let me explain why I'm saying that. When you grow up in Christian faith, you were taught that you are called, set apart, chosen, that you reflect God, like you reflect the principles and the values that you are God breathed inside of you and gave you life. If the God of the universe, who created all of these amazing, beautiful things, created you and created me, and I'm supposed to be chosen, set apart, have the fruits of the spirit. I'm supposed to have a higher knowledge, even because I have the Holy Spirit and all of these things, right? But when you line me up next to a non-Christian, you see no difference. No difference. And I'm not talking about physical, I'm talking about no difference in character, no difference in values, no difference in attitudes, no difference in action. Some of the worst encounters I've had with people have been Christians. And I've had plenty of jobs, okay? I've worked at everything from McDonald's to federal government. So I've come across a lot of people. I've worked with people my age, I work with people older, I've been out in the community. If you just are around and you're living life, right, you're not always in these same bubbles. You're gonna meet people from all different kinds of lives and lifestyles, right? Backgrounds and experiences. And so I say this a little more confidently because I've met so many people and I have grown up in the ecosystem of Christianity. I am a, as I've said before, this pew baby, right? My grandfather was a bishop in the Pentecostal Assemblies of the World, one of the black uh Christian denominations, right? You have Church of God and Christ. Part of my family history is in Church of God and Christ, part of my family is in Pentecostal assemblies of the world. But I have been in churches all over, from Hillsong, which is like a non-denominational church, to one church, which is in LA. Both of those are in LA to Catholic church, right? I didn't attend, but I've been around Catholics, spent a lot of time and been in their environment and in their world. And I've been in, again, non-denominational, denominational churches, what you name it, right? White, black, blue, brown. I've been in these spaces. I've watched these people, I've known them very closely. And I'm reaching a point at this beautiful age of 35, where, as we've been saying this entire season, there are just things that I do not want to repeat. And part of what I do not want to repeat are these bad habits, these teachings that have warped my thinking. I don't want to continue on in a life that I've claimed should reflect God and in reality doesn't. It just doesn't. And I'm I'm part of this. Like I said, I said that earlier, but I want to make sure I make that clear here now. I'm not attacking you, you, you or other Christians. I'm saying this started with me. Right? Why can't I get over my issues and just apologize to that person? Why am I walking in church, walking past people instead of speaking to them and resolving the conflict? Where is the strength of God to help me to push past my desires and become the bigger person? What like so many times I'm doing things where I'm thinking and I'm praying. I'm praying hard. I'm like, God, please help me. Please show up. Like, I need to do this, I need to be this bigger person. I I don't want to have this ill will and these feelings, and I don't want to have this conflict. And I'm talking about like conflict within the actual churches, right? From being a little girl, child, okay, to an adult. So many of these moments. And nothing happened. Nothing magically gave me courage to go confront the thing that I'm afraid of. I've told you guys where I'm I'm a I do not like confrontation. I imagine the worst, so I imagine that all confrontation is going to end in a fight because that's just kind of how I've seen I've I've seen things growing up. And so that's part of why I would pray and ask God, like, give me this boldness, you know, give me this courage to go and do these things. And then I walk in church and all that's gone. And it's just me and what's already inside of me. And I think I'm gonna jump a little ahead because again, this is just me freestyling. So I may say this again. But I think the reason why I'm saying this is because it's what we talk about with renovating the soul.

Prayer Plus Action Not Magic

Alexandria 9:03

In my mind, and in the way that I'm taught within Christian principles and within the Christian again ecosystem, I'm taught that once I pray, God's gonna show up, right? And that if I need him, call on him, right? And so that's what I'm doing in these moments. What I'm realizing now is that I totally believe God is real. I just don't know that I believe or buy into Christianity as it's been told and sold to me. Right. I don't know that all of the rules and the regulations and all of these things, and we'll get into those in a moment. All of these things that I've been told throughout all of these years really apply to life because when I'm trying to live it out, it's not working. And that's what I mean by I am not gonna keep repeating the same thing over and over and getting the same results or no results. Isn't that what they call insanity? I think that's their definition of insanity, right? It's doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Like at what point do I, I'll put it on myself, stop and say, hold up, this ain't working. You know what does work? Looking within myself and saying, okay, you struggle with confrontation. Okay, the only way we're gonna get through this is if you start confronting, right? But not in a negative way. I'm not saying confronting like what you, you know, not like that. I just mean first confront yourself. What is the problem? What what what are you so afraid of? Where does that fear stem from, right? That I'm working through what's happening inside of me first. Then I need to take the actual action and stop trying to rely on some magical moment, right? Or some act of courage to happen, right, without me actually putting the work in. It's the same way because I can hear, I can hear the pushback, okay? Because one thing I know, Christians don't like to be challenged. No, they don't. So I can hear the pushback. Listen, and if you made it this far, thank you. Keep listening. It's good. We're just hold on, right? But it's the same way. And I think I've used this example before. You go and sit down and you take a test, and you didn't study, or or you, you just didn't have time, whatever happened, and you're praying, and you're like, God, help me get the answers to the test. Download these answers to this test. Did it download? No. You know how many times I did that in college and I walked away with a C, right? Or I never failed, but I walked away with bad grades, or you know, just not the grade that I wanted. I I didn't magically get the information downloaded to me because I do not think it works that way. And I don't think God works that way. I actually think that God works in the way that we can see this right in humanity, that you are on earth to try, to grow, to evolve, right? That becoming a better person is not an on and off switch. It's not a magical uh moment of one prayer and then all of a sudden you're changed. You need prayer and action. That's why they say you need Jesus in therapy. You see that this is kind of coming, you know, uh a trend of like having the religion is not enough. And again, I don't even think that God wanted us to just simply lay around and wait on him. Like, how many times are you gonna sit and wait and say, oh, I'm waiting on God, oh, I'm waiting on a prayer, oh, I'm waiting on this, right? Like you keep moving as you're doing that. Again, I'm not trying to take faith from anyone. I'm not. I'm not trying to tell you to not pray, not meditate, and not rely on something bigger than yourself. That's not what I'm saying. What I am saying is that the human side of Christianity that we've been passed down, all of the rules and the regulations and all of these you can't and cannots, I think have kept us in a box and are suffocating us more than we realize.

The Rules That Box Us In

Alexandria 13:00

The biggest part of this that bothers me is how women are treated within Christianity. And this is a hard place for me. I honestly, I may cry throughout a couple moments in this episode because this is really my heart. As a little girl who absolutely loved church and loved God and loved Christians, and again thought that I was so important, you know, because I had God and that I could make a difference. And that, I mean, I've cried, I have prayed. I mean, I and I'm talking about ugly crying for hours, praying for hours, not in like uh the uh, you know, speaking in tongues, but like literally telling, saying words to God, saying words, calling out names, calling out family members, asking God to intervene and change them and please help, calling out for myself, right? And after years of doing that and not seeing any change, again, I'm just asking, what gives? And it breaks my heart to see how many people are in a box because of man-made ideas. Those being, again, those principles, regulations, things like that. And for women, we get it the worst. This idea, I always thought that I was the good girl. That was just, it was cute at the time. You know, I'm the good girl, right? I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't sleep around. Um, don't, I I I used to cuss in elementary school, had a real bad potty mouth, which is kind of crazy to say, right? Like we used to cuss like sailors in like second grade. And I remember, uh, I don't know if I shared this story. So if I did, you know, again, you guys kind of just going off the dome. Skip it if you've heard it, listen if you haven't. But I remember that uh when I needed God for something, I would stop doing bad things. So my parents went out of town. I needed God to keep them safe and to bring them home. I've always been a very doomsday kind of kid, I don't know, kind of person. I don't know. I think it's funny that I was like scared they were gonna get in a car uh plane crash. And so I really needed God to bring them home. And I remember telling my friends, I can't cuss this week because I have to do good so that God will bring my parents home. And I don't remember my my friends said, I don't think they had any pushback. They were just kind of like, okay, like I don't think they got it, right? But that was the kind of works-based idea and framework that I had, that you do good things when you want God to do good things for you. And I remember when I got saved, and I won't go into all the implications of that, but I know that we all grew up, you know, differently, even within Christian context. And so for how I grew up, saved meant that you spoke in tongues. You could believe in God, you could profess that you believed in God, but you had to speak in tongues and then you had to get baptized. But baptism was wasn't as serious as like speaking in tons was. Speaking in tons is like the thing you have to do, right? So I I faked it because everybody's always asking, when you can save, when you can save, when you can save. So I did. I faked it, and nobody knew the difference, which again is pointing into my point of like, y'all don't have no discernment that this girl is faking. No, they didn't. Um, but anyways, I faked it because yeah, you you fake it to make it, right? I wanted to fit in, I wanted to be saved. I really did. I just never had this uh natural moment where like tongues just came up on me. I just didn't have that. And so, anyways, when I when I got saved, I remember I was, I think I was like late elementary school. I remember just officially like stop. I had to stop cussing, right? Because everything was about what you did. You know, how you dressed, how you acted, how you lived, right? Like it was just about, it was workspace. It's everything you did, right, is a notch either for you or against you. And the ultimate goal is to get to heaven, right? You don't want to burn in hell, and everything was a sin. Cussing was a sin. Um, wearing pants. And that's what's confusing, is I don't I don't quite remember if wearing pants was a sin for girls or if it was etiquette, but I'm gonna go with my first mind and say that I think part of it was it was an actual sin for girls to wear um pants. So we were not allowed to wear pants when we had to wear dresses or skirts, uh, stockings were a big thing when I was little. And I'm gonna kind of give you what I deemed strict for my generation, stricter for my parents' generation, strictest. I can't have no more room, but strictest for the generations before them. So, and I called them level three. So if you hear me refer to level three, that's the strictest of the group. And so I'm gonna kind of lump them together, but because for us it was a little more loose, and now for the kids, I mean, do they have rules? Let's be real. Do they have rules? Okay, but anyways, we're not that's not what we're getting on. Couldn't wear pants, um, had to wear skirts. We were at church all the time, right? So you're at church all the time. Your time, your devotion, everything is to church. Couldn't wear red lipstick or like red in general was like a devilish color, meant you were a whore. Makeup was not allowed for level three. So the strict, the strictest, they were not allowed to wear makeup. I think that got better with the stricter group, and then I think with mine. I didn't, I wasn't allowed to wear makeup in general. My my mom just didn't let me wear makeup. Um, and I'm actually kind of thankful for it. I don't wear makeup to this day. That's either here nor there. But, you know, I just want to say, like, for me, it wasn't a religious thing. It was just, you know, my mom didn't want my skin to get messed up, right? So that's why you can see kind of this ease of how they grew up. They kind of lessened the that group, how they grew up, they kind of lessened like it. That's just how it works. It just trickles down. But once upon a time, red lipstick and makeup were sins, or at least frowned upon within the church, like you couldn't do it. It meant you were a whore, it meant you were promiscuous, it meant all these things. Little things like ankle bracelets meant that again, you're a whore. This is these are and and we're really focusing right now on like things for women because that's literally who got it the worst. Okay. You're not even into things like having children at a wedlock, where when a woman gets pregnant, even if it's a man who did it, okay, the girl has to get up in front of church and apologize and confess her sin. Did not see that often for the boys or the men. My church wasn't as bad about that by the time people I knew were having children. I don't know their experiences. I can't say what it felt like for them. But I know that like my generation would rally around them and that we did know that children were a blessing. Obviously, we want you to be married. Some people were pressured into marriage, and others would not succumb to that pressure, right? But I do know people and I have seen where women would have to apologize in the church. And so for me, this idea of being this good Christian girl was about modesty, obedience, submission, uh, sexuality, marriage, leadership, and marriage is a big one.

How Marriage Pressure Hurts Women

Alexandria 20:22

I just told my husband the other day that I wished that marriage was not pushed so hard on women. Because what happens is we are pushed so hard to focus on marriage that you'll almost settle with anyone. And because girls are not taught discernment or not taught to look at certain characteristics of a person that almost any Christian man, and they can they bamboozle us all the time. Many women I know who thought they were getting a very good decent Christian man because it's not hard to pretend to be Christian, okay? They get bamboozled into being with somebody, and then you get into the marriage and you're miserable. And I know so many women who are hurting and miserable for level three, their generation abuse was frequent. Physical abuse, sexual abuse from your husband was not only happening, I won't say it was encouraged, but I will say it was looked over. It was looked over. And as a woman, even if you have gifts and talents and things that you want to do, you were told that your only job is to submit to this man, have his children, clean the home. Now, what's interesting is that in my church, a lot of women worked. A lot of women. And I think that was more like a necessity, you know. Like you work to pay the bills, you work to provide in the home, but even if you had a job, even if you were a manager or whatever you did at home, you still didn't carry the authority. And it's not one of those things where we're a team. This person calls all the shots. You have to say, you have to go whatever they say. We're gonna talk about men in a moment, but what happens is this man carries everything, even though he's not skilled. So he's bad with finances. I do finances on my job or whatever, right? I have a passion. I'm just good with money. But I have to listen to what he says, even if that means he makes poor financial decisions and gets us in a place where we're losing our home, we're losing our car, whatever it is, right? Like that is literally the mentality. I've watched people split, and only the woman is chastised. I have seen men do some horrible things. Seeing it with my own eyes, seen a woman almost get hit, I was the one to stop it. Okay. Yeah. It's a lot. This part is the hardest part for me because I see so much oppression for women within Christian context and within churches. I have heard stories of women who were in abusive marriages and they are quite literally told to go back to the husband. You're also, they take the scriptures also about how a woman can turn her husband. So if you do your part as a good Christian girl, good Christian woman, you will have the power or the effect to turn him back to God. That has ended in death for some women. That has ended in so much pain, a lifetime of pain. And I just don't think that God, in all his infinite wisdom and beauty, who created these planets floating in the air and all of these stars and galaxies and an earth, right? This earth, the only place that we know of that carries um life, animals, plants, humans. I just don't believe that he created me to spend my life in misery, succumbed to a man who doesn't know what he's doing because he's also figuring it out. And I just don't believe that God said, Yeah, I'm gonna create these special human beings who come from these years of you know, evolution and and and all of these things that have happened in this earth, right? From dinosaurs on down and all these things. And then you get this flesh, this beautiful body, and all of these things, ideas, and oh my gosh, creativity. And as a woman, I'm nothing more than pleasure, child birthing and rearing, and cleaning. That I have no say in church, in my marriage, in life. And that then when a man abuses me and doesn't do his part, I have to take it. I'm sorry. And I I don't cuss on this podcast. Try not to, because it just angers me. It just angers me. And as a little girl, growing up with all of these ideas, I'll never forget the first time when I read the Bible and I saw the scripture about how men were supposed to love their wives, because I couldn't recall hearing that preached in a way where the men are really getting it drilled into them. It was always the women. In fact, I would listen to the men and the husbands brag about how she's supposed to obey me, she's supposed to listen to me while he ain't doing his job. He's out there cheating and gallivanting and doing whatever he wants. I've literally been around these things. And unfortunately, from childhood to adulthood, I see no change. In fact, I think it's getting worse, especially with the digital age. One of the things I want to touch on real quick is this idea for good Christian girls and how many rules and regulations they put against us. Most of everything that I believed was fear-based. I was afraid of getting a disease, a sexual disease. I was afraid of getting pregnant, right? And I was ultimately afraid of being out of place with God and going to hell. And that's what kept me from doing a lot of things. But once that fear no longer was there, I didn't go crazy or anything like that. But it just opened up the door for me to get into things because I'm like, well, wait a minute. I did it. I'm not cursed down, nothing's happening. I don't even feel different. That's what's crazy. I don't even feel different. But here's the thing: here's the framework.

Purity Culture And Distrusting Yourself

Alexandria 26:48

Let's talk more about marriage and sexuality specifically. You go through your whole Christian journey, right? Purity culture, people, you guys know this very well. We didn't have a heavy purity culture, even though that was the thing. We didn't do like when I say heavy, I mean like we weren't doing like ceremonies and rings, but it was still very much you need to remain pure, right? You go your whole life and they're telling you sex is bad, sex is bad, sex is bad, right? Then you get married, and all of a sudden, sex is supposed to be good. And I have learned that so much of this framework has set me back than it's actually propelled me forward, right? What happens when girls learn that godliness requires distrusting parts of themselves or treating our own discernment as less trustworthy than spiritual authority? Right? Like, what happens when you're telling me that I'm the weaker vessel? That I'm gonna need a man? Not you should desire to be married, but you women are going to need a man to carry you through. That you need a spiritual covering. Y'all, I go, I gotta get off of this. I gotta get off of this. But listen, I'm staying on the women and the church girls and the young girls because we literally get it the worst. My brothers didn't have it the way I had it. They got away with so much stuff and got to do so much stuff, and it's still that way. The men in my family get much more freedoms. When they do something, they can do it again and again and again and again and again and again, right? And for girls, when you do one thing, you ho. You do one thing and you got a problem. Okay? I've lived it. When I was in college, I didn't sleep with not one person. I did not one sexual activity with not one person. People at home were like banking, almost betting on me not being a virgin, on me sleeping around. Like these are Christians. And what makes it worse, they were family members. Nobody called me. They just were like, she's loose as a goose. That's that's a that's that's it, and it's crazy, right? Because here's here's also what I'm getting to when it comes to us as Christians. If you were really concerned for my soul, if you were really concerned that what I'm doing is harmful to me. And not just harmful to me on this earth, but again, harmful for my soul because I may not live in eternity with God, you'd be like, girl, let me help you out. Like da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Not talking about me behind my back, not betting on me to fail. That's crazy. That's crazy. On YouTube, you guys have to look this up because I I want to keep going and kind of get to some other topics that I have. On YouTube, I preached this sermon last year or two years ago called Dangerous Daughters. And in that sermon, I dismantle these ideas about women because I learned that the way we've been taught to frame women is not the way that even the Bible frames women. And I'm not the person who thinks that the Bible is perfect in every way. I don't. I think there's so much evidence that says otherwise, right? But I think just like with ancient wisdom and other things that we have, there's so many good lessons that we can learn from it. What is interesting, and again, I'm not I'm not gonna get into you guys have to go uh listen to it, but in Dangerous Daughters, I talk about how the original text shows that women were created as warriors alongside men, not behind them. But we miss that in modern Western Christianity. And I am tired of girls being boiled down to these very few things. So for any girl or woman that is watching this, you want to talk to me, you want to have this conversation, please do, because I absolutely do not believe that you are just made for marriage. I do not believe that you were made to be a punching bag. I do not believe that you were just here to cook clean. Now, again, if you if you want to do that, I know women who are great homemakers who all they want to do is have children and take care of their home. I'm not knocking that. I don't care if that's what you want to do. But what I do disagree with is that that's the same for everyone now. And that God loves me more and is gonna favor me more, and I'm gonna get my house and my reward in heaven because I'm doing those things. You mean to tell me that me sitting here doing this podcast, God is like, nah, you ain't going to heaven because you need to be, I don't take care of them four kids who's driving you crazy. Like, no. And I and I said this earlier about how women get pushed into marriage. I think that it's also why you see a lot of women who are miserable. Some women don't want to be married, some women don't want children, but you're quite literally told, and not even just within Christianity, but in society as well, that you are supposed to get married and have children. And that ends in misery for some people because they didn't want that. They're just doing what they think is right to do. But let me be the first, right here, nine years of marriage, okay, with my high school sweetheart, by the way. We met freshman year of high school. We're close friends, we talk all the time, we're best friends, right? Marriage is still hard. And people get online and they curate this like, oh my God, he gave me giving. I'm like, listen, baby, really break it down. You got two broken people, two people with ideas, perspectives, experiences, values, right? That align in some areas, and we can say even most. But when we're growing and we're changing over these years, so much is happening at one time. Then you throw in kids, then you throw in just life challenges, right? It's hard, period. And everybody doesn't want that hard, and everybody shouldn't have to want that hard. Do I think marriage is beautiful? Absolutely. Was I always wanting to be married? Yes, always wanted to be married, but I think part of that context is because I was told that's what I was supposed to do. Am I happy I got married? I am. It worked out for me. But I can't say that it was because of anything I did, or if it was just honestly just like sheer luck or just how life sometimes works out, where things work out for some and sometimes it doesn't. For me, it worked out. I found somebody that I partner with very well. I found someone who shares so many of the same values. So we don't really argue and fuss because we're on the same page. In fact, our sons were teasing us the other day because we we bigger, right? Like we bigger, kind of like an older couple. We kind of always been that way. And they're like, you guys, you guys fight out of time. I'm like, sir, you ain't seen a fight. This ain't a fight. Okay, we're just playfully bigger. We're laughing, we're joking, we're right. And when it comes to the way we parent our children, when it comes to ideas about families, like we differ, right? There's gonna be differences, but for majority of things, we're on the same page, right? And so again, that is not the experience for everyone. I'm seeing way more divorces now in Christian cultures and in churches than I've ever seen before. Why? Because we're pressuring people to get into these marriages without having true and honest conversations, and then without this idea of again, like renovating the soul, of working on yourself first.

What Church Teaches Men To Carry

Alexandria 34:09

But it would also be remiss for me not to talk about men because I don't think that everything is catered for their betterment. I think it is unrealistic to expect one person to know all of these things. And oftentimes, men are burdened with that expectation that they should be good at finances and good at raising children and be a good husband and know how to even steer their natural desires. Those things take practice and time, and often in Christianity, we make it hard for men to even be vulnerable about the areas where they fall short, about areas where they're not strong. Um, in the functional health episode, Dr. Shaley and I actually talked about that, about how men often have this idea that they have to be the strong ones, right? And that's no different for the way that I've seen men show up and what they're taught within Christianity. You are the head, you have the power, you you you call the shots. And oftentimes, because they're not knowledgeable in all areas, you know, known to man or just, you know, all these areas that you need to know, these basic areas, whatever they are, right? You're you're misstepping. Because for all of us here, this is our first time on earth, right? This is our first time here. We're figuring it out as we go. But there are different expectations for men that can be burdensome than helpful, right? And so I don't, I'm not leaving this saying that, oh, the men are just so praised and they're just treated so well, and then the women are. No, I think it's I think it's damaging for the men too. I I think it's damaging for them to have this idea of what you're supposed to be. And then when you can't meet it, I can only imagine the conflict that creates inside, the insecurities that that creates, the lack of trust for other people, because like we said, who can you really turn to and say, hey, bro, I'm struggling? I think my generation is doing better at that. But even then, you have this idea that men are weak if they cry, right? And that, you know, I I don't know if that's church culture as much as that's black black culture, right? But I mean, you have these ideas where if little boys played with dolls, they were gay, right? Like, look how we treat the little boy. If you play with a if you play with a Barbie doll, if you're carrying a baby doll, oh, he's gonna be gay. I've had people try to do that to my children. And I tell them, no, that's not how, that's not what turns somebody gay. Like, what do you what are we even talking about right now? You know what I'm saying? A child can learn to nurture things. That is such a good thing to teach young boys, right? And then here's the other thing that I feel like sets up boys and young men is that when you let them get away with everything, no accountability, right? No responsibility, you end up creating lazy bums. Because when they do go to get married, marriage does not turn on this switch that makes them good at finances and good people and good at, again, rearing children or good at leading. No, that starts young. I want to segue into some bigger points and then wrap this up.

Outward Sins Versus Inner Rot

Alexandria 37:23

For me, I've been trying to figure out why Christians are the way we are. And when I say the way we are, I mean why we are some of the worst people I've encountered and continue to encounter. If knowing God is supposed to transform us, what kind of transformation should be visible in our character? Right? If I'm supposed to have higher knowledge, fruits of the spirits, certain values, right? Character and reputation are also important in the Bible. Why is it that time and time again, it's not even just that Christians have bad character, it's that they don't even work on their character. They won't even acknowledge the things that are wrong with them in public or otherwise. They don't take accountability. Like I said, Christians don't like to be challenged. You challenge them, and then all of a sudden it's you can't judge. God says, Don't the Bible says you can't judge me. Do not judge. You got a planking. Yo, why you look at it? And I'm just like, you guys take these scriptures out of context. It's crazy. Crazy, crazy, crazy how you manipulate. But that's that's Western Christianity. Anybody can open the Bible, take a scripture, and make it fit to what they wanted. They don't go back to their original text, they don't take time to understand the history of that culture then, because all that history in that culture doesn't apply to everything in this time. And then you misconstrue it and let it make it fit this idea of what you want to be or who you are, instead of saying, like, when we look at humanity, there are just basic things that we know are right and wrong. No one had to really sit us down and teach us right from wrong or good from evil. It's in us. You know that going up to that person and slapping them is wrong. You know that taking that pencil is wrong as children, right? And then as we grow, we are not always taught every single aspect of good versus wrong or sorry, good versus evil, or right versus wrong. We're not taught every aspect of it, but you come to know more than just laws, right? There tends to be a lot of emphasis on outside things and a lack of emphasis on the inner things. So to put this into question, why can visible rule breaking receive enormous attention? Like when girls get pregnant, ostracized, right? Uh excommunicado. That's from John Wick. But, you know, they're pushed out, right? Like I said, you have to come, and if you want to stay in this church, you need to confess your sin in front of the whole church. So I've known people that were removed from leadership positions or not allowed to have their baby showers at the church, not treated the same way as people their age who were, who got married and had didn't have children. That's so heartbreaking for them, right? And then what makes it even more heartbreaking is that the church and the pastors and the leaders are not just saying we see you like this. They're saying no, God sees you like this. So your outward sin. You see a boy switching his hips, you're like, oh, he's gay. Outward visible rule breaking receives all this attention while cruelty, manipulation, dishonesty, arrogance, greed, abuse, or lack of accountability are tolerated over and over and over again. I've watched pastors get up there and talk about people in such nasty ways. Oh my gosh, and just chastise all of us, send us all to hell, and yet they sleeping on their wife with the whole community. I meant cheating on our wife, not sleeping on their wife. I guess they're sleeping on, cheating on. Same thing. You guys understand what I meant. I mean, ha I literally have children with other women, secret babies, greedy, stealing money, rude, horrible, horrible to talk to. Hotheads. Who the hotheads? The moment you ask them a question, they they yelling at you and telling you this and and you're this and you're that and you're this and you're that. None of that is is put on a big jumbletron. No, just the outward things that we can see. So you mean to tell me that God who can see my heart and mind, which is what you tell me, knows every all the hairs on my head, the exact number of hairs on my head. And he can't call you out on your inner things? He's allowing you to stand there and tell me that I'm wrong because I made a visible mistake, but he ain't corrected you for your manipulation and how you're abusing people and how you be talking nasty and all the gossip and everything you be carrying on. Why is it that character is not valued in Christianity culture? Like I said, a lot of times things are used as an excuse. Right? So you try to host my accountable and say, Well, you uh, you know, have treated me horrible behind closed doors. Well, you can't judge. Well, I've I talked to God about it. But here's the thing repentance should mean more than image repair, apology language, or returning someone to their position, right? If Christians believe in sanctification and becoming more Christ-like, shouldn't Christians be among the people most willing to examine and renovate their souls? Repentance, what does that mean? Because we throw that out there. Oh, I repented, I repented. It means to actually turn, you confess and turn from your ways. The turning is the action. But again, it's become just another excuse for why I can do what I do and why you can't call me out on it because I already took it up with God. But let's not forget that in the Bible, it talks so much about community and how to treat others and how to belong and loving your neighbor is the second greatest command next thing next to loving God with all your heart, mind, and soul. So how you treat people, your reputation, your character 100% matters. It matters enough to be the second highest command. And yet, when I try to say something to you about the way you've acted and the way you've offended or hurt me, oh no, no, no, no, no. Mm mm mm mm mm mm mm mm, no, no, no, no, no. Again, I'm gonna say this one more time and then we'll move on. If Christians believe in sanctification and becoming more Christ-like, shouldn't Christians be among the people most willing to examine and renovate their souls? And I'm not saying renovate their soul in the sense that you're doing like for the podcast. I'm literally saying, wouldn't you want to examine and know your soul? Because according to Christianity, our soul is what it's going to live on in eternity. Why wouldn't I be looking at my soul in this time on earth? It's just, you just want to be nasty. I just had an experience, in fact. I just went to something and there were a group of Christians there I never met. And when I tell you the spirit, not like this, how can I say this? Let's just say like the energy, right? That's what I mean by spirit, the spirit, the energy. I'm really good on kind of picking up on those things and in people and settings and things, was so nasty and so catty. That's what I'm saying. Like I've really been seeing this and thinking about this, and I've been thinking like my generation is not that bad. Like, we come together, we laugh, no, no, no, no. And I and I I do this thing where I check if other people are kind of feeling the same thing. Because I because sometimes, okay, maybe I'm reading into something, right? And I asked someone and I said, Do you do you kind of like what are you sensing? Like, what do you feel? Same thing. Do you know how many people have this experience with Christians and Christianity? Some examples I haven't gotten on. Like you smoke cigarettes. Cigarettes was a huge problem. Okay. They had they had these services where people would put their cigarettes on the altar. And, you know, obviously alcohol, right? Those things, right? But cigarettes, like this huge thing. I just think it's so interesting that you're telling me that God's gonna send me to hell because I smoked cigarettes. I think cigarettes are more damaging because they're unhealthy. But it's like, wait, God in all his infinite wisdom and all his power is upset with me because I smoked a cigarette or I drank some alcohol. But he's not upset with you for misleading, abusing, damaging people, the damage, the kind of damage that is gonna carry on for someone for a lifetime, the kind of trauma that is gonna leave someone frozen and paralyzed. He doesn't care about that.

Power Control And Prosperity Religion

Alexandria 46:23

Crazy. Now I'm asking, how much of what I was taught was actually God? And how much was interpretation, whether right or wrong, culture, tradition, denomination, and people? And for me, from what I'm learning, I think so much of Christianity, the way we know it, Western culture, is man-made because people wanted power. And when I say people wanted power, mainly men, what better way to control the lives of people than to have them fearful that a higher being will either approve or deny you based on a set of actions? What better way to manipulate people into doing what you want them to do than again to do the same thing? People are vulnerable to what they're hurting, what they are seeking, what they are desiring, what they want better for themselves. And when you dangle this hope, people will almost do anything for it. And I believe that it began that way in kind of our like modern Christian era, and it's continued that way, and it's only gotten worse. I've again talked about this time and time again, and that the manipulation is so bad that people just aren't even seeing it. And now we're boiling God down to money, to cars, to houses. And again I say, you mean to tell me that God wants me to be rich, but he doesn't want me to have good character. You mean to tell me that God wants to give me all this money if I give you thousands of dollars of mine, even if I'm horrible with finances, even if I've dug a hole for myself because I'm gambling and wasting my money. Again, I don't not say because it's a sin, I'm saying because it's just a poor habit. You mean to tell me that God cares about the type of car I drive, but He doesn't care about me abusing my spouse or my children, or not even being around, or home for my children. Yeah, it's crazy. Especially when you put it as plain, I think, as I'm putting it, and saying it out loud. And again, I I for those of you who don't know me, I need you to understand how crazy it is for me to be sitting here saying this. I have been preaching since I was a young girl, but more formally since about 2011. Um, that that's over 10 years. And I've always been different with that. I've always taken a seriousness to my faith because of the way that I grew up and the things that I learned once I left for college. I really looked up to the people I grew up with. I really thought they were men and women of God. I really thought they were living it. Until you sit at the table and you hear them gossip about the same people they were just laying hands on. Right? Until you hear about the infidelity or the incest or the abuse, um, until you see with your own eyes the arguments, the nastiness, the lack of change over the years and how things are only getting worse before they get better, right? When you yourself are, you know, goodness gracious, uh, like I said, talked about, talked down to, you know, this fake idea of love and whatever, you know what I'm saying? Like, I I've seen all this. I've been hurt by it, right? And I'm just at a place where like I am not wanting to be associated with those kind of people. And I didn't, even when I would preach in in my heydays and, you know, up until a few years ago, I always brought a challenge. You can go look up old sermons. If you search my name, either Robinson or Davis as the last name, you can find sermons of mine. And I always tried to bring in different elements and truth because I felt like I didn't get the real truth and the real help growing up. I wanted people to be real and honest with me and just like plain language it, right? And so I always tried to bring that. And I always tried to also pull myself into it to show I'm not so far above you because I always felt like I was so far away from these people. I always felt like they were 10 steps ahead and closer to God and I could never catch up. Like I'm almost there, but oh my gosh, they're so holy. And oh my gosh, they're so righteous. And oh my gosh, like how can I, how can I get there? I I can't get there. Like I'm still struggling, I'm still sinning, I'm still messing up, I'm still down, I'm still crying, I'm still all of these things. Oh my gosh, I just sinned. Oh my gosh, I just cussed. Oh my gosh, I just drink, oh my gosh, like all of these things, right? And then when I got to college and certain things that I learned, like drinking itself is not a sin, and uh tattoos weren't a sin. So I got my board tattoos, got my tattoos, you know, I was out there having a great time in Atlanta. And then I was, you know, being told that, yeah, like I'm a sinner. I can't preach with my tattoos. Um, I couldn't preach with my, I shouldn't be preaching with my nose ring when I got my nose pierced. Thankfully, I will say my Aunt Charlotte let me preach in her pulpit, even though others were upset about it, right? Because what I had to say, I think was more important than my outer appearance. And in fact, my Aunt Charlotte never even said anything. She never was even made it a thing, but other people did. But nobody was asking about my college experience. Are you sleeping around? Right? Are you like, like, are are you getting drunk? Right? Are you making good decisions? Are you are you going to class? I'm talking, did not have those conversations. But when I got my tattoo, it was a big family deal. I'm not even exaggerating. Ask my cousins. Not, I'm not even kidding. It and I and I'm getting to the point where I'm trying to keep the tears from flowing because it really is hurtful to look back and see the lack of interest that people really have for you as a human being. And that's the part that's bothering me about this. That when you get into churches and Christian settings, that we really do not care about each other. Because I should be able to come to you and talk to you and you to me, not just about calling me out, but just about life in general. And often I found that it is easier for people to just talk about you than it is to talk to you. And it's frustrating. It's crazy to be sitting here having this conversation and saying the things that I'm saying out loud, especially knowing where I come from, how much I put into church, how much I thought church would always be my life, how I never thought I would step away from like ministry, church. No, like never, right? I've not I've not left God. I believe God is real. I just do not believe in the church the way that it is. I can't almost. I can't. I know too many people who are broken. I know too many marriages that are failing. I know too many people who need a character check and a soul check to sit here and pretend. Like I think the way church is being designed and the way Christianity is being positioned and given to us is actually helping. Like I said, I think it's hurting more, damaging more. I know women who are not married and feel so ashamed. I know women who have gotten married and gotten divorced, made the right decisions for themselves and have been ashamed. Not sitting here saying that everything I'm saying is gold or or even that my thoughts won't change, you know, a few months or a year from now. I'm really just being honest about where I am right now.

Stepping Outside The Christian Ecosystem

Alexandria 54:28

What feels the most pertinent to say in regards to my faith right now. And when I was in it, you you can't see the outside. It's like being in a box. And if you don't have a window, you don't know that an outside or a different way exists. And I lived inside the Christian ecosystem for so long that it was actually not just the experiences of being hurt time and time again, but when I started reading ancient philosophers, and when I just started reading more in general, honestly, and and honestly, when I started doing this podcast, that's why I think this is so relevant for me to say. When I started doing this podcast and I started understanding this idea of what it meant to renovate your soul, Christian or non-Christian, I just feel like the box began to get holes punched into it. And then eventually I tore out the box and I saw a different way of doing things that I didn't even consider or know existed, or that maybe were teased, but that I was too afraid to follow. I remember in college when I learned about, well, I think it was in one of my history classes, and there was another culture that had a story that was very similar to the story of Adam and Eve. And I remember being flabbergasted because I was like, no, no, no. Like Adam and Eve is unique to God, the Bible, right? And then you start reading and you realize that so many traditions follow similar stories from the Bible, you know, in ancient history in those times, right? And that was like a a peak, but it wasn't something that I chased. I was too scared at the time. Fear kept me from so many things. I was too afraid. Too afraid to be challenged, too afraid to, you know, not have God, too, just too afraid. I didn't want my worldview shaken. It's all I knew. It's all I had. I would bet my last dollar on God. I would bet my life. You know, that test, not to get crazy graphic, but that that test where they say if somebody, you know, held a gun to your head and they asked you, were you a Christian, would you say yes or no? I was that person who was like, oh, I'd say yes. You know, other people say no, because I'm gonna live and God wouldn't be mad at me, you know, forgive me, whatever, whatever. But like I was the person who was like, no, I'd say yes, right. Like I'm very devout, very much like, you know, in it. But at the same time, I've been problematic. I've had this almost elitist mindset about being a Christian because I am said to be called apart and chosen. And so there was almost a you can't sit with us kind of attitude that I treated people that way in high school and even in college, um, especially if they did something that I didn't like or that, you know, I I that just seemed to go against God. I can't, I can't be with you, right? I wasn't so bad about that, but I have felt that kind of air. I think the reason why, to give myself a little credit here, the reason why I was willing to help people and I didn't care about, you know, your sin or or you know, sin or whatever you were doing, or whatever, whatever, is because I really believed in helping people and that people could change and that God could change them. And so I I wasn't like, you know, the Pharisees and the Sadducees where I'm just ostracizing people and nothing like that. But especially but I will say when I was younger, I definitely was too afraid to allow other ideas or people to come around me with different religions because I was scared of what they might um, scared of what they might expose me to, and just thinking like you were wrong. I didn't need any evidence. I didn't need to have any debates or arguments, you were just wrong, period, right? Throughout my life, right? But now looking back on this and looking at how many decisions I'm thankful that I made on my own versus listening to the people around me who claim to be Christian, who claim to have discernment, who claim to be listening to God, I wouldn't be married to who I'm married to if I had listened to them. I wouldn't have gone to the college to Clark, Atlanta, and had the experiences I had if I listened to them. My children wouldn't be raised the way they're being raised if I listened to them. So many things in the way that I was, you know, shaped and in the environments that I grew up in that I've had to reverse, like the psalm, reverse, reverse, like that I've had to step away from, that I am actively now stepping away from. And like I said, I'm not here to make you not be a believer. I still believe in God, so I'm gonna share that like where I'm where I'm at now. I still believe in God, like I said, but do I still consider myself a Christian? Not in the sense of Western Christianity, of Christian culture as it is. I actually find that I don't necessarily want to be associated in that way because again, I think it's becoming more of a poison than a cure. The church used to be a hospital where you would go get help so that you can heal and get better and be better than how you came in. Now I think it's still a hospital, but it's one where you're sick, you stay sick, and you die. I think there are so many people in churches that are dying. Shouldn't be that way. If anything, the ones inside the church should be the ones who are thriving, who have the most life, the most joy, the most to look forward to. If it's true that your soul is going to live on forever with Jesus and, you know, all the people that came before you and you're gonna be reunited, then we should have the most to celebrate. And yet, I do not see that. And I think part of the issue is the restraints, the rules, the regulations, the unrealistic expectations, all of these man-made ideas that people have tried to enforce because they themselves are figuring it out as they go. And I don't think that everyone has intended for some of these things to be harmful. I think that at a point there was a true concern that, you know, dilly-dallying with the world, you know, um would get you in trouble. Because we talk a little bit, but if you go back to like level three, level two, and that strict, you know, stricter, strictest categories like movies were a sin, pool halls were a sin, jacks, playing the game of jacks. Anything that did not have to do with God or didn't have to do with the church was a sin. That meant even the profession you chose. A lot of people in the level three category, they couldn't play sports or be cheerleaders or do certain things because all of that was a sin. And it's unfortunate, right? When you look at now in 2026, where now we're just being allowed to do everything. But I think part of it is that we realize, oh my gosh, not only am I not being struck down by lightning, but I also don't feel like a terrible human being, right? And how unrealistic some of those things were. But again, I'm I'm saying this because I don't think that all of the rules were coming from a bad place. I think it was coming from a place of searching, place of seeking, a place of trying to figure this out because you really don't have, you know, that you really don't know like what you're supposed to be doing. So let's just put some things in place. But I think now with all we know and what we can consider, we should be able to push back a little more. I am personally just tired of seeing people in churches die under the guise of Christianity. I'm tired of the way that women are being treated in the Christian context, what I would deem as oppression, because you're not allowed to fully be yourself or follow your giftings or do the things that you feel you just want to do. Everything has to be this calling, this purpose. God has to tell you and put the stamp on it. But it's like, again, and I've said this before, what if God is just like, what? You have the whole earth, just try, just do something. I gave you the whole earth. Why are you still asking me? Go do it, right? I don't know what changes from here or where I go from here, or I should say what it looks like. I do know that I just do not have the same passion or love for the church like I used to when I was a young girl or even growing up. I do know that I have a a pain and a desire for people, Christian or non-to better themselves and to live as beautiful of a life as you can have on this earth. And I do believe that that begins with looking within. You becoming a better person before requiring your circumstances to, you becoming a better person before requiring other people around you to. I now make decisions, not out of this fear that God is going to either give me a thumbs up or give me a thumbs down, but I make decisions about who I know me to be and who I want to be. We come on this earth as like a set of per, like like as a as a person, right? As a person with things already within you, and we see that start in your childhood, and then it develops as you grow. And it's like, oh wow, look at this. I I didn't say this on here, but I think I said it on Instagram where I said, I'm realizing how much adults are just the childhood version of themselves. I said that because in looking at my cousins who I've watched growth since they were literally babies, and looking at them now and hearing their professions and what they're doing, for some of them, I'm like, oh my gosh, that makes sense. You've always been that way. Or I could see that in you when you were little. And so in being these childhood versions of ourselves, that means that there are things that we've carried with us, things about us that we just we came to this earth with that have shaped us and shaped what we do and where we go. And obviously, part of what we talk about here is that from that time of childhood to adulthood, we we should start checking in and examining and questioning, right? And I think for a lot of us that usually happens around our 30s. But even in your 20s or your teens, right? You can be looking at who am I and who do I want to be? And that's how I make a lot of my decisions. What do I want my character and my reputation? To say about me. When I'm dead and gone, what do I want those people to say? I don't want them to talk about how much of a devout Christian I was while knowing that I was so nasty and mean. It's puzzling to me that you can have the God of the universe on your side and yet so much hatred in your heart. So much anxiety and fear and misery in my heart yearns for people to wake up and to realize that so much of this Christian ecosystem rules, regulations, the things they're even telling you you have to desire, there's still people saying you can't be sick. Still people saying you again that you they want a Rolls Royce in a mansion. And I mean, I mean, you can go look at the modern day sermons and how much of it, even if it's not a mansion or a house or physical things, it is all about you, you, you being better, your business flourishing, this happening, this happening. And then when those things don't happen, we find ourselves back in this place of depression because, oh my gosh, God, I'm doing everything. Remember, I told you about that workspace. I'm doing everything. I'm praying, I'm going to church, I'm tithing, I'm, I'm, I am being kind. I am being a good person. I'm doing all of these things, right? But like nothing's showing up for me. Why isn't it happening for me like it's happening for them? And I don't always think that God is in this for all the material things. I don't think that being a Christian means I'm supposed to be richer than the rest, or that everything I touch is gonna turn to gold. I think that just as everybody else on this earth, I'm up and then I'm down, right? I'm straight and then I'm left, right? Like I'm gonna go through life just like the next person. The set apart thing is not in my wealth or my materials, but it's in who I am. That you are set apart, called, and chosen because your character, your attitude, your values, what is happening inside of you is not the same as someone else. But we've dumbed that down to materials and outward possessions and outward appearance. So many people are still bamboozled by how someone looks that you miss their bad judgment. We're so caught up in what they have and the fact that their church is packed with people, not even realizing that those people are, and this is my favorite saying, poor in heart, poor in mind, poor in character, poor in values. How is it that most of the ministers and preachers I know are all of those things? Poor in heart, poor in spirit, poor in character, poor in values. I don't have like a pretty bowl trying to find where my where I segue out of this, but I think I just end on first thanking you because you made it all the way here. And maybe I'll get to have this broader, you know, conversation somewhere else. Right now I've just kind of been having it with Quincy and obviously now with you. It's really vulnerable putting this out there because again, Christians are so uh, and I say judgy in the real sense of like judgy, I do not think that everything um is judgment. I think that accountability is absolutely necessary and what many people call judgment is really just accountability, right? You can't slap me and then I try to tell you, hey, you're wrong for doing that. And then you say, Stop judging me. Like, no, that's not what that is. I'm holding you accountable to things you're doing, right? And to who you say you want to be. Okay. And so it's vulnerable putting this out here because I know a lot of people probably aren't gonna listen, they're gonna shut it down, they're not gonna want to hear, and they're gonna disagree harshly because they're attached to what they have. And again, I'm not here to change that for you. I'm just here to share where I'm at. And maybe a few of you are in the same place as me and realizing the same thing because you've seen it. You've seen what I'm saying more than you've seen the other side, right? So for those of you that are in that, you're not alone. Chat with me, like message me, let me know what you think. But yeah, that's all I have for for this episode.

Parenting Boys Without The Baggage

Alexandria 1:10:19

Last thing I will say is that because Christianity has been such a core for me, everything in my life stemmed from these ideas. And now it's shifting everything and how I see the world, how I show up in the world, but also how I raise my children. And I'm very thankful that the thing, I would say the thing I'm most thankful for is how I'm raising my children, and that I'm not putting works-based things in them. And I'm not creating little monsters who are gonna grow up thinking that they're better than everybody because they're a Christian, or that I'm not creating boys who are not gonna be responsible and not know how to cook, or not know how to clean, or not know how to take care of themselves, or not know how to lead, and not just for marriage, not just for a woman, but for themselves first. That in my house, you won't be a loser. You ain't gonna be a Christian bum. I'm not tolerating any of that. You're gonna be a decent, strong, young man. I was gonna say human being, but I got all boys, so young men, you know. That is probably what I'm most proud about with coming out of that worldview. Thank you all for watching, and until next time, let's keep doing the work to renovate this song. I'll see you in the next episode.